


What Are We Sailing For?

by Anonymous_Cupcake



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Album: Evelyn Evelyn, Angst and Feels, Ash Notices But Doesn't Do Anything About It, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Okumura Eiji-centric, Song: Sandy Fishnets, Talk about minor character death, Using songs as a coping mechanism, Yes the title refers to the song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26044531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous_Cupcake/pseuds/Anonymous_Cupcake
Summary: As the world moves without him, Eiji struggles to keep on and tries to answer the question no one is asking: is he needed?———Everyone has more important things to worry about than dealing with Eiji's confusion and miniscule problems. He doesn't speak up, speak out. He doesn't question what's going on. Being quiet meant being good and if being quiet meant he could stay then he'd stop talking altogether.Is being good supposed to hurt this much?
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji & Shorter Wong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 143





	What Are We Sailing For?

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I was thinking about writing since the beginning of August but never got around to it until last night (or would it be this morning?) The album I'm constantly referencing is amazing in my opinion and I highly recommend listening to it! 
> 
> I'd also like to include that when I woke up I found this note I made before falling asleep: you wrote this at midnight in the span of an hr be proud of that and also sleep you dumb tired bitch

Everything after the night Shorter died was a blur. Eiji could vaguely remember Ash telling him about his fear of pumpkins and he could remember genuinely laughing at it but the moments before and after were hazy. Now he's in some fancy apartment bought with money he's pretty sure Ash got illegally. He didn't question anything, just stood still as the world moved around him.

He learnt a lifetime ago that being quiet meant being good.

He refused to think about what happened that night. That only made the memories come up more frequently. Shorter's blood dripping down onto his face, the look in his eyes, but the hands, oh god the hands, were worse. Was this how Ash always felt? Hands coming out of nowhere and holding you down? Hands appearing even when you tell yourself you're safe?

The world moves on without Eiji knowing it. Time begins to blend as he does the same movements each day, but not often enough that it could be classified as a routine. Most of it is spent waiting, waiting to see Ash walk through the door mostly unharmed, to gently scold him for staying up for so long.

Eiji's working on autopilot and he's not sure when it'll stop. No one worries about him, he's not sure if he _wants_ people to worry about him. He isn't sure what he wants.

(That's a lie. He wants a hug, a voice to say it's ok, to hold him and reassure him that he isn't burdening anyone just by being alive. He wants hands that are like his, gentle and not rough and only take.)

Everyone has more important things to worry about than dealing with Eiji's confusion and miniscule problems.

He knows damn well how lucky he got, that for all their talk about how badly they'd ruin him, Eiji made it out mostly unscathed. He was barely touched, all he has are minor injuries. It doesn't stop the hands from poking, prodding, _touching_.

He doesn't speak up, speak out. He doesn't question what's going on. Being quiet meant being good and if being quiet meant he could stay then he'd stop talking altogether.

Is being good supposed to hurt this much?

One night, when Shorter's dead body finds its way into another nightmare and Eiji wakes up with tears in his eyes and Ash sleeping soundly on the bed next to him for once, he thinks back to the album he stumbled upon on the plane to America. His english was atrocious then (and he reminisces about it because it seems like that moment happened years ago) but he could recognize the pain in the singers' voices. He grabs his phone on the nightstand and types in the name of one of the songs.

_Evelyn Evelyn_. That was the album. He scrolls through the songs and stops at the one that almost made him cry on the plane, the one where Jason Webley's voice made him shiver despite not fully understanding the lyrics. He clicks on the music video and lowers the volume as much as possible.

Amada Palmer and Jason Webley's vocals disturb the silence. It's not loud enough to wake up Ash, who continues to sleep peacefully and unaware of the fact Eiji's being waking up in the middle of the night to quietly sob into his pillow.

_Sandy was the prettiest of all._

_Sandy Fishnets_ is a song full of innuendos and double meanings that Eiji's still couldn't fully grasp. The gist of it is simple enough, and the melancholy tone somehow keeps him calm despite its disturbing lyrics. He can easily imagine Ash in Sandy's place. Would that make Eiji like the Evelyn sisters, watching from the sidelines as their best friend is slowly destroyed by the cruel world they're in?

His mind was too tired and numb to focus on the words. He grimaces as he realizes that his english improved enough to be able to understand the words he once treated as background noise.

Despite being surrounded by the warm blanket, the shiver he felt when he first listened to the song returns as Jason Webley sings slightly louder than before.

_Sandy, what are we sailing for?_

That was– what was the phase again– the million dollar question, Eiji supposes. What _was_ Eiji's purpose for being here? He could easily leave, just hop on a plane and leave this horrible side of New York behind. He could let Ash Lynx become a distant memory once he returned home and probably be forced to go to college.

But he can't do that. Not to Ash, who sacrificed so much for Eiji to be able to do actions as simple as breathing. Not to Shorter, who tried to protect Eiji with his life. Not to Skipper, Griffin, and Jennifer, who only died because they had the misfortune of being around Eiji.

Maybe that was a reason Eiji should leave. He attracts death, who kills everyone around him and leaves him alive to experience the aftermath. How could Ash allow someone like him to stay by his side? Eiji, someone that knew nothing about the world Ash lived in, who couldn't even shoot a damn gun when his life was in danger. Eiji, who needs protection 24/7 because stepping outside means suicide.

But still, Eiji won't object to Ash's decision. Perhaps he is useful somehow and Ash knows it. Or it's just not safe yet and the moment it is he'll be forced back to Japan.

He keeps replaying the song. He allows himself to drift off, lost in the melody for minutes before hitting replay and starting over.

"Not that I don't mind the song, but you can only listen to the same seven minutes over and over."

Eiji nearly falls off the bed when he realizes Ash is fully awake, lying in bed and staring at him. His eyes were dreary and red, the light from Eiji's phone let him get a glimpse at Ash's tear stained face.

"Didn't think you were into that kind of music." Ash said as Eiji shuts off his phone and puts it back on the nightstand. "I found it not too long ago." Eiji explains, shifting around as he puts his head on his pillow. The two stare at each other like that, both looking comfortable but knowing deep down they aren't.

"You want to tell me why you're up?" Ash whispers, like he'll scare Eiji off if he raises it any higher. "Not gonna lie, you've been scaring me. When was the last time you ate anything decent?" He adds to drive home the fact he _does_ notice and he _does_ worry.

Eiji makes a small noise similar to a whine. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Ash frowns, but adjusts his position slightly and closes his eyes. "I'll be right here." He mumbles before instantly falling asleep. Eiji can't help but giggle at how fast his breathing evens out, the slow rise and fall of his chest helps Eiji's body remember how tired it is.

_What are you sailing for?_

" _I'm sailing for Ash._ " He decides as he falls asleep shortly after that. He'll sail for Ash, to be the anchor that's keeping Ash from drifting off to sea. He smiles as his brain foggily realizes that's his purpose, that he has a purpose.

He'll sail with Ash for as long as possible and pray he doesn't drag him overboard.


End file.
